NuriaMathog Mon Dec 07, 2009 11:46 amEditors can make corrections as needed
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Mark your calendars, folks, cause it's that time of the year again: Ambiguous Winter Holiday Season, formerly known as “Christmakwanzakuh” before the powers-that-be (Hallmark) realized that Buddhists, Rastafarians, and atheists deserve to cash in on that commercial holiday spirit too. But regardless of its name, the month of December invariably presents a true present dilemma: what the heck to buy. You could purchase an obnoxious singing snowman (small wonder those are perennially on sale), but unless your giftee LOVES “Jingle Bells” (or you include a complimentary package of earplugs), you might very well find your present repackaged and dumped on your front porch with a tag reading “A Very Frosty Christmas to you too.” Fortunately, with this strategic shopping guide, you can easily avert any gift-related crisis and melt the most frigid of hearts.
There are four basic categories of people to buy presents for:
Besties. These are the best buds who join in your epic Guitar Hero battles, who always let you eat their last few French fries, who are more than happy to see Harry Potter VI with you five times in a row. You guys are so tight that in their case, being a present tightwad is unforgivable. Each winter, they end up with the costly and sentimental gifts that take up ninety percent of your allowance—and merit every penny of them. This can cause unnecessary drama during gift exchanges, though, as your other friends are bound to notice the glaring disparity in present quality (i.e. Jane demands to know why you gave Sarah a three hundred dollar necklace while she only got a “freaking pack of Bubblicious”). You can avoid such childish complaints with a quick solution: simply buy a pack of candy for everyone, dump out the contents, and replace the insides with your more expensive purchases. Mysterious rattling aside, nobody will suspect a thing.
Obligatory Giftees. These are the lab partners, creepy neighbors, and random people in the halls who've already informed you that they're in the process of wrapping up your Christmas present, wink wink, hint hint. According to present protocol, you are now bound by Proprietary Law to reciprocate this gesture, or else you'll look like a major Scrooge. Failure to comply with the aforementioned rule can result in uncomfortable situations, most notably the wounded puppy look—a heart-wrenching expression forcing you to hastily avert your gaze and stammer, “Why, of course I got you a present. It's, um, at home,” and quickly run off to the store (or simply hope that they'll forget over Winter Break. Junk food overdoses can do funny things to the memory, not to mention the scale). To remedy this problem, simply stock up on spare presents; that should take care of the jerks who try to dump a big old package of ribbons and guilt on you at the last minute. However, be very careful about the size of these extra gifts: too small, and your own present might be retracted; too big, and it’ll seem as though you actually like this person—and that’s a can of worms you don’t want to deal with.
Teachers. Oh boy. Back in the cruel, cruel world known as middle school, giving presents to teachers was socially taboo, destined to earn sneers of “teacher's pet.” Today, this act can be interpreted as something entirely different: bribery. Things get particularly awkward when you have a borderline grade and you're vacillating between a Yoda-like “Present. I have. Take it” and “These imported Belgium chocolates are sure to rack up points in your books, sir!” Just to be safe, why not go the traditional suck-up route and present your beloved Calc teacher with fresh apples—or better yet, candy apples (one for one fifty; two for two dollars. Hey, the Pow Wow needs some holiday lovin’ too, you know).
Family (aka yourself). Gifts to family have a wonderful and unique property: they remain in close proximity long after you give them “away.” Consequently, Ambiguous Winter Holiday Season offers the perfect opportunity to subtly purchase all of the things you want. Is your mom allergic to the nutty cookies you just bought her? Why, what a coincidence…that just happens to be your favorite dessert (and what a shame it would be if all that delicious food went to waste)! Is your dad convinced that video games provoke violent tendencies and rot your brain? You would be delighted to put his new copy of COD 3 to good use. The great thing about parents is that they’ll never complain about your gifts. Ever. It’s rule number one in the parenting handbook. Besides, they’re probably sick of receiving your hideous neckties year after year anyway.
Happy holiday shopping!
**************************************************************
Mark your calendars, folks, cause it's that time of the year again: Ambiguous Winter Holiday Season, formerly known as “Christmakwanzakuh” before the powers-that-be (Hallmark) realized that Buddhists, Rastafarians, and atheists deserve to cash in on that commercial holiday spirit too. But regardless of its name, the month of December invariably presents a true present dilemma: what the heck to buy. You could purchase an obnoxious singing snowman (small wonder those are perennially on sale), but unless your giftee LOVES “Jingle Bells” (or you include a complimentary package of earplugs), you might very well find your present repackaged and dumped on your front porch with a tag reading “A Very Frosty Christmas to you too.” Fortunately, with this strategic shopping guide, you can easily avert any gift-related crisis and melt the most frigid of hearts.
There are four basic categories of people to buy presents for:
Besties. These are the best buds who join in your epic Guitar Hero battles, who always let you eat their last few French fries, who are more than happy to see Harry Potter VI with you five times in a row. You guys are so tight that in their case, being a present tightwad is unforgivable. Each winter, they end up with the costly and sentimental gifts that take up ninety percent of your allowance—and merit every penny of them. This can cause unnecessary drama during gift exchanges, though, as your other friends are bound to notice the glaring disparity in present quality (i.e. Jane demands to know why you gave Sarah a three hundred dollar necklace while she only got a “freaking pack of Bubblicious”). You can avoid such childish complaints with a quick solution: simply buy a pack of candy for everyone, dump out the contents, and replace the insides with your more expensive purchases. Mysterious rattling aside, nobody will suspect a thing.
Obligatory Giftees. These are the lab partners, creepy neighbors, and random people in the halls who've already informed you that they're in the process of wrapping up your Christmas present, wink wink, hint hint. According to present protocol, you are now bound by Proprietary Law to reciprocate this gesture, or else you'll look like a major Scrooge. Failure to comply with the aforementioned rule can result in uncomfortable situations, most notably the wounded puppy look—a heart-wrenching expression forcing you to hastily avert your gaze and stammer, “Why, of course I got you a present. It's, um, at home,” and quickly run off to the store (or simply hope that they'll forget over Winter Break. Junk food overdoses can do funny things to the memory, not to mention the scale). To remedy this problem, simply stock up on spare presents; that should take care of the jerks who try to dump a big old package of ribbons and guilt on you at the last minute. However, be very careful about the size of these extra gifts: too small, and your own present might be retracted; too big, and it’ll seem as though you actually like this person—and that’s a can of worms you don’t want to deal with.
Teachers. Oh boy. Back in the cruel, cruel world known as middle school, giving presents to teachers was socially taboo, destined to earn sneers of “teacher's pet.” Today, this act can be interpreted as something entirely different: bribery. Things get particularly awkward when you have a borderline grade and you're vacillating between a Yoda-like “Present. I have. Take it” and “These imported Belgium chocolates are sure to rack up points in your books, sir!” Just to be safe, why not go the traditional suck-up route and present your beloved Calc teacher with fresh apples—or better yet, candy apples (one for one fifty; two for two dollars. Hey, the Pow Wow needs some holiday lovin’ too, you know).
Family (aka yourself). Gifts to family have a wonderful and unique property: they remain in close proximity long after you give them “away.” Consequently, Ambiguous Winter Holiday Season offers the perfect opportunity to subtly purchase all of the things you want. Is your mom allergic to the nutty cookies you just bought her? Why, what a coincidence…that just happens to be your favorite dessert (and what a shame it would be if all that delicious food went to waste)! Is your dad convinced that video games provoke violent tendencies and rot your brain? You would be delighted to put his new copy of COD 3 to good use. The great thing about parents is that they’ll never complain about your gifts. Ever. It’s rule number one in the parenting handbook. Besides, they’re probably sick of receiving your hideous neckties year after year anyway.
Happy holiday shopping!