Beauty Pageants by Andrew

In recent years, beauty pageants have seen a growing trend wherein officiators now claim that their decisions are based on personality and character rather than just looks. Beyond the transparent attempt at holistic analysis, let’s face it: all this really does is face everyone with a great disservice and insult the contestants in the process.

According to the farce that is the Miss Universe website, “these women are savvy, goal-oriented and aware. The delegates who become part of the Miss Universe Organization display those characteristics in their everyday lives, both as individuals, who compete with hope of advancing their careers, personal and humanitarian goals, and as women who seek to improve the lives of others.” Don’t get me wrong—every single one of these women are good-looking people. But I will bet my life that none of the 50 state pageant winners are savvy, nor goal-oriented, nor aware.

Their interviews prove it. Take Miss Teen California, for example—when asked the question “What is unique about you?” one would expect a special talent she has or something she’s passionate about. On the contrary; she insightfully responds with “I can pick things up with my toes and have total control.” And you’d be sadly mistaken if you saw this answer as a mere mistake by one singular person. Because Miss Teen Connecticut answers the same question with: “One thing I don't think any other contestant can say about themselves is that I can take my right arm and stretch it over my head, under my chin and up to touch my right ear.”

Judging the intelligence and character of beauty queens is impossible given the timeframe and structure of competition. There’s absolutely no way to accurately assess the intelligence of these girls through a few spoken interviews and watching them play the violin poorly; in the end, giving them points for answering as they do essentially praises them for kindergarten-level responses and really flexible arms. Which ultimately culminates into something much more insulting to their intelligence than just forgetting about merit and focusing on beauty in the first place.

It would also most likely boost the legitimacy of the competition if the contestants were punished for responses that don’t really fit the intelligence criterion. Notably, Kelsey Miller, Miss Teen Delaware, was asked the question of what she would do with 10 million dollars. Her response: “Shopping is my weakness, therefore, if I ever had the opportunity to have 10 million dollars I would go on one wild shopping spree to buy clothes and shoes.” Unlike the other contestants, she doesn’t even pretend to be interested in some sort of generic charity. As it seems, Kelsey Miller is really, obviously, inescapably, inexorably, irrevocably dumb. And the fact that she ended up winning the competition in Delaware is a testament to the illegitimacy of the supposed contest of intelligence and character.

If we just took a step back, it’d be reasonably obvious that a contest of beauty isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It may not be the most insightful of pursuits, to be sure—but at least we won’t be high-fiving a group of women for their four-year-old analysis on world events. A competition celebrating the beauty of the human body is a far more noble pastime than pretending to examine these women holistically. And we get to guiltlessly admire attractive people, which is always a plus.

In recent years, beauty pageants have seen a growing trend wherein officiators now claim that their decisions are based on personality and character rather than just looks. Beyond the transparent attempt at holistic analysis, let’s face it: all this really does is face [present] everyone with a great disservice and insult the contestants in the process. [LOOL this reminds me of like a "giant middle finger to society" sort of thing]

According to the farce that is the Miss Universe website, “these women are savvy, goal-oriented and aware. The delegates who become part of the Miss Universe Organization display those characteristics in their everyday lives, both as individuals, who compete with [insert "the"] hope of advancing their careers, personal and humanitarian goals, and as women who seek to improve the lives of others.” Don’t get me wrong—every single one of these women are good-looking people. But I will bet my life that none of the 50 state pageant winners are savvy, nor goal-oriented, nor aware.

Their interviews prove it. Take Miss Teen California, for example—when asked the question “What is unique about you?” one would expect a special talent she has or something she’s passionate about. On the contrary; she [, rather than giving a special talent she has or something she's passionate about, she] insightfully responds with “I can pick things up with my toes and have total control.” And you’d be sadly mistaken if you saw this answer as a mere mistake by one singular person. Because Miss Teen Connecticut answers the same question with: “One thing I don't think any other contestant can say about themselves is that I can take my right arm and stretch it over my head, under my chin and up to touch my right ear.”

Judging the intelligence and character of beauty queens is impossible given the timeframe and structure of [insert "the"] competition. There’s absolutely no way to accurately assess [asses] the intelligence of these girls through a few spoken interviews and watching them play the violin poorly; in the end, giving them points for answering as they do essentially praises them for kindergarten-level responses and really flexible arms. Which ultimately culminates into something much more insulting to their intelligence than just forgetting about merit and focusing on beauty in the first place.

It would also most likely boost the legitimacy of the competition if the contestants were punished for responses that don’t really fit the intelligence criterion. Notably, Kelsey Miller, Miss Teen Delaware, was asked the question of what she would do with 10 million dollars. Her response: “Shopping is my weakness, therefore, if I ever had the opportunity to have 10 million dollars I would go on one wild shopping spree to buy clothes and shoes.” Unlike the other contestants, she doesn’t even pretend to be interested in some sort of generic charity. As it seems, Kelsey Miller is really, obviously, inescapably, inexorably, irrevocably dumb. And the fact that she ended up winning the competition in Delaware is a testament to the illegitimacy of the supposed contest of intelligence and character.

If we just took a step back, it’d be reasonably obvious that a contest of beauty isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It may not be the most insightful of pursuits, to be sure—but at least we won’t be high-fiving a group of women for their four-year-old analysis on world events. A competition celebrating the beauty of the human body is a far more noble pastime than pretending to examine these women holistically. And we get to guiltlessly admire attractive people, which is always a plus.. [delete extra period....sometimes i wish we could just delete it ourselves instead of doing these bracket things...just kidding about the "asses"]

In recent years, beauty pageants have seen a growing trend wherein officiators now claim that their decisions are based on personality and character rather than just looks. Beyond the transparent attempt at holistic analysis, let’s face it: all this really does is present everyone with a great disservice and insult the contestants in the process.

According to the farce that is the Miss Universe website, “these women are savvy, goal-oriented and aware. The delegates who become part of the Miss Universe Organization display those characteristics in their everyday lives, both as individuals, who compete with the hope of advancing their careers, personal and humanitarian goals, and as women who seek to improve the lives of others.” Don’t get me wrong—every single one of these women are good-looking people. But I will bet my life that none of the 50 state pageant winners are savvy, nor goal-oriented, nor aware.

Their interviews prove it. Take Miss Teen California, for example—when asked the question “What is unique about you?” one would expect a special talent she has or something she’s passionate about. On the contrary; she insightfully responds with “I can pick things up with my toes and have total control.” And you’d be sadly mistaken if you saw this answer as a mere mistake by one singular person. Because Miss Teen Connecticut answers the same question with: “One thing I don't think any other contestant can say about themselves is that I can take my right arm and stretch it over my head, under my chin and up to touch my right ear.”

Judging the intelligence and character of beauty queens is impossible given the timeframe and structure of the competition. There’s absolutely no way to accurately assess the intelligence of these girls through a few spoken interviews and watching them play the violin poorly; in the end, giving them points for answering as they do essentially praises them for kindergarten-level responses and really flexible arms. Which ultimately culminates into something much more insulting to their intelligence than just forgetting about merit and focusing on beauty in the first place.

It would also most likely boost the legitimacy of the competition if the contestants were punished for responses that don’t really fit the intelligence criterion. Notably, Kelsey Miller, Miss Teen Delaware, was asked the question of what she would do with 10 million dollars. Her response: “Shopping is my weakness, therefore, if I ever had the opportunity to have 10 million dollars I would go on one wild shopping spree to buy clothes and shoes.” Unlike the other contestants, she doesn’t even pretend to be interested in some sort of generic charity. As it seems, Kelsey Miller is really, obviously, inescapably, inexorably, irrevocably dumb. And the fact that she ended up winning the competition in Delaware is a testament to the illegitimacy of the supposed contest of intelligence and character.

If we just took a step back, it’d be reasonably obvious that a contest of beauty isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It may not be the most insightful of pursuits, to be sure—but at least we won’t be high-fiving a group of women for their four-year-old analysis on world events. A competition celebrating the beauty of the human body is a far more noble pastime than pretending to examine these women holistically. And we get to guiltlessly admire attractive people, which is always a plus.