Thanksgiving Jokes/Definitions

Gobble, Gobble, turkey here! The holiday I’ve been dreading is back again and what do I have to be thankful for? Nothing. Call me pessimistic, but seriously, you have a cornucopia of things to be thankful for compared to me. You might complain that life sucks with those essays, all-nighters, and hardcore AP classes you’re taking, but just be thankful that you’re even attending Arcadia High. Be thankful you get to see those distant cousins and relatives that fly in for the holiday. See, I get to be reunited with my distant family too, only difference is that they’re dead. See how badly I have it? Even when I’m roasted, I still have it bad. It’s quite boring the conversations I have to listen to around the dinner table so do me a favor and lighten things up a little. Crack a few Thanksgiving jokes here and there, and show your relatives what you’re learning at that academically prestigious school of yours by defining these Thanksgiving words. Take it from a dead turkey to know how to liven up a Thanksgiving party.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims (n.) one of the band of Puritans who founded the colony of Plymouth, Mass., in 1620.

What kind of turkey is stuffed after Thanksgiving?
The Gobbler (n.) a male turkey

What kind of music do pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock (n.) a rock at Plymouth, Massachusetts, on which the Pilgrims, who sailed on the Mayflower, are said to have stepped ashore when they landed in America in 1620

What do penguins and turkeys have in common?
They both have a wattle! (n.) a fleshy lobe or appendage hanging down from the throat or chin of certain birds, as the domestic chicken or turkey

What do pilgrims call their digestion problem?
Cornucopia – (n.) Classical Mythology, a horn containing food and drink in endless supply, symbol of abundance

How did the turkey insult the pilgrim?
The turkey said, "You're a no-good baster!" (n.) a person who bastes, or moistens, meat or other food

What kind of tan do pilgrims get at the beach?
Puritan (n.) a person who is strict in moral or religious matters, often excessively so

I will try to find more.
Do I need to cite these jokes/definitions?

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Gobble, Gobble, turkey here! The holiday I’ve been dreading is back again and what do I have to be thankful for? Nothing. Call me pessimistic, but seriously, you have a cornucopia of things to be thankful for compared to me. You might complain that life sucks with those essays, all-nighters, and hardcore AP classes you’re taking, but just be thankful that you’re even attending Arcadia High. Be thankful you get to see those distant cousins and relatives that fly in for the holiday. See, I get to be reunited with my family too, only difference is that they’re dead. See how badly I have it? Even when I’m roasted, I still have it bad. It’s quite annoying to hear you guys ignorantly chatter on about Thanksgiving without knowing its background. Who needs that academically prestigious school of yours? Let me inform you about Thanksgiving. Take it from a dead turkey to know how to liven up your holiday chatter.

Pilgrims (n.) - one of the band of Puritans who founded the colony of Plymouth , Mass. , in 1620
The 53 Pilgrims that survived the voyage celebrated with a religious feast, which later became known as the First Thanksgiving in Plymouth.

Gobbler (n.) - a male turkey
Gobblers have a wide range of colored feathers including copper, bronze, purple, and green whereas the female turkeys have dull-colored feathers.

Plymouth Rock (n.) - a rock at Plymouth , Massachusetts , on which the Pilgrims, who sailed on the Mayflower, are said to have stepped ashore when they landed in America in 1620
In 1834, one half of Plymouth Rock was displayed in front of Pilgrim Hall, but, in 1880, it was restored back to its natural habitat on the shore.

Wattle (n.) - a fleshy lobe or appendage hanging down from the throat or chin of certain birds, as the domestic chicken or turkey
A turkey's wattle changes into a bright red hue when it's either upset or in love.

Snood (n.) - the flap of skin that hangs over the turkey's beak
A turkey's snood can turn red to attract a female turkey, and blue if the turkey is scared.

Cornucopia (n.) - Classical Mythology, a horn containing food and drink in endless supply, symbol of abundance
Although cornucopias have become popular through Thanksgiving, they're actually derived from the story of Amalthea and Zeus in Greek mythology.

Wampanoag (n.) - a tribe of Native Americans that inhabited the east coast including the original lands of Nantucket, Martha's Vineyard, and Rhode Island
The Patuxet Wampanoag welcomed the Pilgrims into their land and taught them how to grow and gather native food.

Massasoit (n.) - leader of the Wampanoag tribe
The Massasoit held the alliegence between the Pilgrims and the Wampanoag and prevented Plymouth Colony from failing.

Giblet (n.) - the heart, liver, or gizzard of poultry that is often cooked separately
The most popular form of gravy is the one cooked with giblets.

Puritans (n.) - group of English protestants who wanted simpler forms of church ceremony
The Puritans fled from New England to the New World in search for a utopian government without religious freedom.

These sentences are all facts/info about Thanksgiving. Do you want them to be more entertaining instead?

Gobble, Gobble, turkey here! The holiday I’ve been dreading is back again and what do I have to be thankful for? Nothing. Call me pessimistic, but seriously, you have a cornucopia of things to be thankful for compared to me. You might complain that life sucks with those essays, all-nighters, and hardcore AP classes you’re taking, but just be thankful you're not me. Be thankful you get to see your distant cousins and relatives that fly in for the holiday. See, I get to be reunited with my family too, only difference is that they’re dead. See how badly I have it? Even when I’m roasted, I still have it bad. It’s quite annoying to hear you guys ignorantly chatter on about Thanksgiving without truly knowing its background. Who needs that academically prestigious school of yours? Let me inform you about Thanksgiving. Take it from a dead turkey to know how to liven up your holiday party.

Pilgrims (n.) - cocky-headed New Englanders, though not literally (I wouldn't compliment these ignorant fools and call them one of my own.), that believe they're too cool for Britain in their puffy white blouses and fanciful breeches. Oh, I'm sorry, would you like me to be a little more appreciative? Fine. Thank you, pilgrims, for invading our peaceful shores and creating the first Thanksgiving feast. Thanks to you, turkeys serve no greater purpose than for stuffing and roasting.
Eg: As the greedy pilgrim that I am, it took all of my strength, which wasn't much, to restrain from devouring the entire turkey in the middle of the dinner table.

Gobbler (n.) - a magnificent and intelligent creature whose wide range of colored feathers (including copper, bronze, purple, and green) attract the female birds; the object of envy that all other birds idolize to be
Eg: The gobbler had hens chasing after him like moths to a flame, and they swooned at the sight of his bright amber feathers.

Plymouth Rock (n.) - the tainted land that the pilgrims first stepped ashore

Wattle (n.) - a fleshy lobe hanging from the throat of turkeys usually flaunted for female turkeys; long wattles, found on egotistical jerks, resemble a human's droopy double-chin whereas a short wattle, like mine, will be admired by special hens that aren't shallow. At least, that's what my mommy said after Well-Wattled Wallie courted the hen.
Eg: It was hysterical to see the gobbler's wattle become entangled in the hen's feathers as they leaned in to nuzzle each other.

Snood (n.) - For being such helpful creatures (If you protest, don't forget who's informing you about these important Thanksgiving terms right now), God rewarded us with these flaps of skin that hang over our beaks; not only do they keep our beaks warm over the winter (for those of us that make it to winter), they also turn vibrant colors, a perfect Christmas light decoration
Eg: On Christmas, I thought I saw Rudoloh the Red-Nosed Reindeer, but it was actually a brown turkey on the roof with its snood lit up.

Puritans (n.) - How can they even call themselves Puritans, with the word "pure" blatantly expressed in their name? They fled to the New World in search for a utopian government without religious freedom.
Eg: The Puritans came to the New World planning to spread their religious views to the Native Americans, but thankfully the 3-day Thanksgiving feast sidetracked them.

Cornucopia (n.) - The creator of this horn with an endless supply of food and drink must have been a turkey lover. Since a turkey is the epitome of Thanksgiving, he/she knew that turkeys could not go extinct. With this new invention, turkeys don't have to be killed and eaten for Thanksgiving anymore!

Wampanoag (n.) - Although this friendly tribe of Native Americans that inhabited the original lands of Nantucket, Martha's Vineyard, and Rhode Island could have easily ignored the pilgrims, they pitied the pilgrims so much that they taught them how to grow and gather native food.
Eg: The Patuxet Wampanoag politely ate dinner with the pilgrims without realizing what a tradition they have started.

Massasoit (n.) - I'd love to show respect to the leader of the Wampanoag tribe, however he held the alliegence between the Pilgrims and the Wampanoag. Therefore, he should take some credit for making the turkey population decrease.
Eg: Even though the Massosoit was the leader of the Wampanoag tribe, he still felt intimidated by the Pilgrims.

Giblet (n.) - Has it become so common for a turkey to die on Thanksgiving that I've become used to talking about how parts of my body would taste? Well, since I'm already on the subject, I know where my giblets, or heart, liver, or gizzard, are going to go! In the gravy, of course.
Eg: The giblets of the turkey accidentally fell into her soup, yet she slurped all of it and exclaimed how delicious her soup had tasted.

EDIT 1

Gobble, Gobble, turkey here! The holiday I’ve been dreading is back again and what do I have to be thankful for? Nothing. Call me pessimistic, but seriously, you have a cornucopia of things to be thankful for compared to me. You might complain that life sucks with those essays, all-nighters, and hardcore AP classes you’re taking, but just be thankful you're not me. Be thankful you get to see your distant cousins and relatives that fly in for the holiday. See, I get to be reunited with my family too, only difference is that they’re dead. See how badly I have it? Even when I’m roasted, I still have it bad. It’s quite annoying to hear you guys ignorantly chatter on about Thanksgiving without truly knowing its background. Who needs that academically prestigious school of yours? Let me inform you about Thanksgiving. Take it from a dead turkey to know how to liven up your holiday party.

Pilgrims (n.) - cocky-headed New Englanders, though not literally (I wouldn't compliment these ignorant fools and call them one of my own.), that believe they're too cool for Britain in their puffy white blouses and fanciful breeches. Oh, I'm sorry, would you like me to be a little more appreciative? Fine. Thank you, pilgrims, for invading our peaceful shores and creating the first Thanksgiving feast. Thanks to you, turkeys serve no greater purpose than for stuffing and roasting.
Eg: As the greedy pilgrim that I am, it took all of my strength, which wasn't much, to restrain from devouring the entire turkey in the middle of the dinner table.

Gobbler (n.) - a magnificent and intelligent creature whose wide range of colored feathers (including copper, bronze, purple, and green) attract the female birds; the object of envy that all other birds idolize [word choice] to be
Eg: The gobbler had hens chasing after him like moths to a flame, and they swooned at the sight of his bright amber feathers.

Plymouth Rock (n.) - the tainted land that the pilgrims first stepped ashore [Eg?]

Wattle (n.) - a fleshy lobe hanging from the throat of turkeys usually flaunted for female turkeys [hens or female turkeys? be consistent] ; long wattles, found on egotistical jerks, resemble a human's droopy double-chin whereas a short wattle, like mine, will be admired by special hens that aren't shallow. At least, that's what my mommy said after Well-Wattled Wallie courted the hen.
Eg: It was hysterical to see the gobbler's wattle become entangled in the hen's feathers as they leaned in to nuzzle each other.

Snood (n.) - For being such helpful creatures (If you protest, don't forget who's informing you about these important Thanksgiving terms right now), God rewarded us with these flaps of skin that hang over our beaks; not only do they keep our beaks warm over the winter (for those of us that make it to winter), [insert 'but'] they also turn vibrant colors, a perfect Christmas light decoration
Eg: On Christmas, I thought I saw Rudoloh the Red-Nosed Reindeer, but it was actually a brown turkey on the roof with its snood lit up.

Puritans (n.) - How can they even call themselves Puritans, with the word "pure" blatantly expressed in their name? They fled to the New World in search for a utopian government without religious freedom.
Eg: The Puritans came to the New World planning to spread their religious views to the Native Americans, but thankfully the 3-day Thanksgiving feast sidetracked them.

Cornucopia (n.) - The creator of this horn with an endless supply of food and drink must have been a turkey lover. Since a turkey is the epitome of Thanksgiving, he/she knew that turkeys could not go extinct. With this new invention, turkeys don't have to be killed and eaten for Thanksgiving anymore!

Wampanoag (n.) - Although this friendly tribe of Native Americans that inhabited the original lands of Nantucket, Martha's Vineyard, and Rhode Island could have easily ignored the pilgrims, they pitied the pilgrims so much that they taught them how to grow and gather native food. [a bit lengthy]
Eg: The Patuxet Wampanoag politely ate dinner with the pilgrims without realizing what a tradition they have started.

Massasoit (n.) - I'd love to show respect to the leader of the Wampanoag tribe, however [change to 'because'] he held the alliegence between the Pilgrims and the Wampanoag. Therefore, he should take some credit for making the turkey population decrease.
Eg: Even though the Massosoit was the leader of the Wampanoag tribe, he still felt intimidated by the Pilgrims.

Giblet (n.) - Has it become so common for a turkey to die on Thanksgiving that I've become used to talking about how parts of my body would taste? Well, since I'm already on the subject, I know where my giblets, or heart, liver, or gizzard, are going to go! In the gravy, of course.
Eg: The giblets of the turkey accidentally fell into her soup, yet she slurped all of it [insert 'up'] and exclaimed how delicious her soup had tasted.

Gobble, Gobble, turkey here! The holiday I’ve been dreading is back again and what do I have to be thankful for? Nothing. Call me pessimistic, but seriously, you have a cornucopia of things to be thankful for compared to me. You might complain that life sucks with those essays, all-nighters, and hardcore AP classes you’re taking, but just be thankful you're getting an education. Be thankful you get to see your distant relatives that fly in for the holiday. See, I get to be reunited with my family too, only difference is that they’re dead. See how badly I have it? Even when I’m roasted, I still have it bad. It’s quite annoying to hear you guys ignorantly babble on about Thanksgiving without truly knowing its background. Who needs that academically prestigious school of yours when you've got me to inform you about Thanksgiving. Take it from a dead turkey to know how to liven up your holiday chatter.

Pilgrims (n.) - Pilgrims are those cocky-headed New Englanders, though not literally (I wouldn't compliment these ignorant fools and call them one of my own.), that believe they're too cool for Britain in their puffy white blouses and fanciful breeches. Oh, I'm sorry, would you like me to be a little more appreciative? Fine. Thank you, pilgrims, for invading our peaceful shores and creating the first Thanksgiving feast. Thanks to you, turkeys serve no greater purpose than for stuffing and roasting.
Eg: As the greedy pilgrim that I am, it took all of my strength, which wasn't much, to restrain from devouring the entire turkey in the middle of the dinner table.

Gobblers (n.) - We're these magnificent male turkeys and oh, what a vision we are! Our wide range of colored feathers (including copper, bronze, purple, and green) are the object of envy among other birds.
Eg: The gobbler's amber feathers had the hens swooning and chasing after him like moths to a flame.

Plymouth Rock (n.) - While you guys might flock to this historical site just to flash a peace sign and snap a quick photo with it, we, turkeys, are repulsed by this slab of rock. It used to be a part of the natural habitat where we could roam freely until those pilgrims tainted it at their first arrival to the New World.
Eg:

Wattle (n.) - a fleshy lobe hanging from the throat of turkeys usually flaunted for female turkeys [hens or female turkeys? be consistent] ; long wattles, found on egotistical jerks, resemble a human's droopy double-chin whereas a short wattle, like mine, will be admired by special hens that aren't shallow. At least, that's what my mommy said after Well-Wattled Wallie courted the hen.
Eg: It was hysterical to see the gobbler's wattle become entangled in the hen's feathers as they leaned in to nuzzle each other.

Snood (n.) - For being such helpful creatures (If you protest, don't forget who's informing you about these important Thanksgiving terms right now), God rewarded us with these flaps of skin that hang over our beaks. Not only do they keep our beaks warm over the winter (for those of us that make it to winter), but they also turn vibrant colors to work as a perfect Christmas light decoration.
Eg: On Christmas, I thought I saw Rudoloh the Red-Nosed Reindeer, but it was actually a brown turkey on the roof with its snood lit up.

Puritans (n.) - How can they even call themselves Puritans, with the word "pure" blatantly expressed in their name? They fled to the New World in search for a utopian government without religious freedom.
Eg: The Puritans came to the New World planning to spread their religious views to the Native Americans, but thankfully the 3-day Thanksgiving feast sidetracked them.

Cornucopia (n.) - The creator of this horn with an endless supply of food and drink must have been a turkey lover. Since a turkey is the epitome of Thanksgiving, he/she knew that turkeys could not go extinct. With this new invention, turkeys don't have to be killed and eaten for Thanksgiving anymore!

Wampanoag (n.) - Although this friendly tribe of Native Americans that inhabited the original lands of Nantucket, Martha's Vineyard, and Rhode Island could have easily ignored the pilgrims, they pitied the pilgrims so much that they taught them how to grow and gather native food. [a bit lengthy]
Eg: The Patuxet Wampanoag politely ate dinner with the pilgrims without realizing what a tradition they have started.

Massasoit (n.) - I'd love to show respect to the leader of the Wampanoag tribe, however [change to 'because'] he held the alliegence between the Pilgrims and the Wampanoag. Therefore, he should take some credit for making the turkey population decrease.
Eg: Even though the Massosoit was the leader of the Wampanoag tribe, he still felt intimidated by the Pilgrims.

Giblet (n.) - Has it become so common for a turkey to die on Thanksgiving that I've become used to talking about how parts of my body would taste? Well, since I'm already on the subject, I know where my giblets, or heart, liver, or gizzard, are going to end up! In the gravy, of course.
Eg: The giblets of the turkey accidentally fell into her soup, yet she slurped all of it up and exclaimed how delicious her soup had tasted.

EDIT 2

Gobble, Gobble, turkey here! The holiday I’ve been dreading is back again and what do I have to be thankful for? Nothing. Call me pessimistic, but seriously, you have a cornucopia of things to be thankful for compared to me. You might complain that life sucks with those essays, all-nighters, and hardcore AP classes you’re taking, but just be thankful you're getting an education. Be thankful [you used this phrase a few words ago, might want to use another one] you get to see your distant relatives that [who] fly in for the holiday. See, [delete] I get to be reunited with my family too, only difference is that they’re dead. See how badly I have it? Even when I’m roasted, I still have it bad [word choice, you used 'bad' in the previous sentence]. It’s quite annoying to hear you guys ignorantly babble on about Thanksgiving without truly knowing its background. Who needs that academically prestigious school of yours when you've got me to inform you about Thanksgiving. Take it from a dead turkey to know how to liven up your holiday chatter.

Pilgrims (n.) - Pilgrims are those cocky-headed New Englanders, though not literally (I wouldn't compliment these ignorant fools and call them one of my own.) , [delete] that [replace with 'They'] believe [insert 'that'] they're too cool for Britain in their puffy white blouses and fanciful breeches. Oh, I'm sorry, would you like me to be a little more appreciative? Fine. Thank you, pilgrims, for invading our peaceful shores and creating the first Thanksgiving feast. Thanks to you, turkeys serve no greater purpose than for stuffing and roasting.
Eg: As the greedy pilgrim that I am, it took all of my strength, which wasn't much, to restrain from devouring the entire turkey in the middle of the dinner table.

Gobblers (n.) - We're these magnificent male turkeys and oh, what a vision we are! Our wide range of colored feathers (including copper, bronze, purple, and green) are the object of envy among other birds.
Eg: The gobbler's amber feathers had the hens swooning and chasing after him like moths to a flame.

Plymouth Rock (n.) - While you guys might flock to this historical site just to flash a peace sign and snap a quick photo with it, we, turkeys, are repulsed by this slab of rock. It used to be a part of the natural habitat where we could roam freely until those pilgrims tainted it at their first arrival to the New World.
Eg:

Wattle (n.) - a fleshy lobe hanging from the throat of turkeys usually flaunted for female turkeys [replace with 'hens'] ; long wattles, found on egotistical jerks, resemble a human's droopy double-chin whereas a short wattle, like mine, will be admired by special hens that aren't shallow. At least, that's what my mommy said after Well-Wattled Wallie courted the hen.
Eg: It was hysterical to see the gobbler's wattle become entangled in the hen's feathers as they leaned in to nuzzle each other.

Snood (n.) - For being such helpful creatures (If you protest, don't forget who's informing you about these important Thanksgiving terms right now) [rewrite this in another sentence, it's kind of lengthy], God rewarded us with these flaps of skin that hang over our beaks. Not only do they keep our beaks warm over the winter (for those of us that make it to winter), but they also turn vibrant colors to work as a perfect Christmas light decoration.
Eg: On Christmas, I thought I saw Rudoloh the Red-Nosed Reindeer, but it was actually a brown turkey on the roof with its snood lit up.

Puritans (n.) - How can they even call themselves Puritans, with the word "pure" blatantly expressed in their name? They fled to the New World in search for a utopian government without religious freedom.
Eg: The Puritans came to the New World planning to spread their religious views to the Native Americans, but thankfully the 3-day Thanksgiving feast sidetracked them.

Cornucopia (n.) - The creator of this horn with an endless supply of food and drink must have been a turkey lover. Since a turkey is the epitome of Thanksgiving, he/she knew that turkeys could not go extinct. With this new invention, turkeys don't have to be killed and eaten for Thanksgiving anymore!

Wampanoag (n.) - Although this friendly tribe of Native Americans that inhabited the original lands of Nantucket, Martha's Vineyard, and Rhode Island could have easily ignored the pilgrims, they pitied the pilgrims so much that they taught them how to grow and gather native food.
Eg: The Patuxet Wampanoag politely ate dinner with the pilgrims without realizing what [replace with 'the'] a tradition they have started.

Massasoit (n.) - I'd love to show respect to the leader of the Wampanoag tribe, however [change to 'because'] he held the alliegence [allegiance] between the Pilgrims and the Wampanoag. Therefore, he should take some credit for making the turkey population decrease.
Eg: Even though the Massosoit was the leader of the Wampanoag tribe, he still felt intimidated by the Pilgrims.

Giblet (n.) - Has it become so common for a turkey to die on Thanksgiving that I've become used to talking about how parts of my body would taste? Well, since I'm already on the subject, I know where my giblets, or heart, liver, or gizzard, are going to end up! In the gravy, of course.
Eg: The giblets of the turkey accidentally fell into her soup, yet she slurped all of it up and exclaimed how delicious her soup had tasted.

Gobble, Gobble, turkey here! The holiday I’ve been dreading is back again and what do I have to be thankful for? Nothing. Call me pessimistic, but seriously, you have a cornucopia of things to be thankful for compared to me. You might complain that life sucks with those essays, all-nighters, and hardcore AP classes you’re taking, but just be thankful you're getting an education. Be thankful you get to see your distant relatives that fly in for the holiday. See, I get to be reunited with my family too, only difference is that they’re dead. See how badly I have it? Even when I’m roasted, I still have it bad. It’s quite annoying to hear you guys ignorantly babble on about Thanksgiving without truly knowing its background. Who needs that academically prestigious school of yours when you've got me to inform you about Thanksgiving. Take it from a dead turkey to know how to liven up your holiday chatter.


Pilgrims (n.) - Pilgrims are those cocky-headed New Englanders, though not literally (I wouldn't compliment these fools and call them one of my own.), that believe they're too cool for Britain in their puffy white blouses and fanciful breeches. Oh, I'm sorry, would you like me to be a little more appreciative? Fine. Thank you, pilgrims, for invading our peaceful shores and creating the first Thanksgiving feast in 1621 of November. Thanks to you, turkeys serve no greater purpose than for stuffing and roasting.
Eg: As the greedy pilgrim that I am, it took all of my strength, which wasn't much, to restrain from devouring the entire turkey in the middle of the dinner table.

Snood (n.) - For being such helpful creatures (If you protest, don't forget who's informing you about these important Thanksgiving terms right now), God rewarded us with these flaps of skin that cover over our beaks. Not only do they keep our beaks warm for the winter (for those of us that make it to winter), but they also turn vibrant colors to use as a Christmas light decoration.
Eg: On Christmas, I thought I saw Rudoloh the Red-Nosed Reindeer, but it was actually a brown turkey on the roof with its snood lit up.

Gobblers (n.) - We're these magnificent male turkeys and oh, what a vision we are! Our wide range of colored feathers (including copper, bronze, purple, and green) are the object of envy among other birds.
Eg: The gobbler's amber feathers had the hens swooning and chasing after him like moths to a flame.

Wattle (n.) - What really annoys me is when some gobblers become too conceited, especially when it comes to long wattles. It's just a fleshy lobe that hangs on the throat of gobblers. Long wattles, found on egotistical jerks, resemble a human's droopy double-chin whereas a short wattle, like mine, will be admired by special hens that aren't shallow. At least, that's what my mommy said after Well-Wattled Wallie courted the hen.
Eg: It was hysterical to see the gobbler's wattle become entangled in the hen's feathers as they leaned in to nuzzle each other.

Plymouth Rock (n.) - While you guys might flock to this historical site just to flash a peace sign and snap a quick photo, we, turkeys, are repulsed by this slab of rock. It used to be a part of the natural habitat where we could roam freely until those pilgrims tainted it at their first arrival to the New World in 1620.
Eg: While Plymouth Rock might rock your world, it's killing our world!

Puritans (n.) - If you think pilgrims are a pain in my butt, you obviously haven't heard about these ignorant, Church-lovers. Pilgrims are only a small part of the group of Puritans. They came to New England seeking a stricter relgious structure, yet in modern Thanksgivings, most families come together to feast no matter their religion.
Eg: The Puritans came to the New World planning to spread their religious views to the Native Americans, but their 3-day Thanksgiving feast side-tracked them thankfully.

Cornucopia (n.) - This horn is the unfortunate underdog at Thanksgiving. This goat horn is filled with an endless supply of food and drinks. It should be appreciated more since it is the most common symbol of a harvest festival.
Eg: Invest in a cornucopia, and it will save you lots of money since its way cheaper than a turkey.

Wampanoag (n.) - This friendly Native American tribe that inhabited the original Eastern lands of the New World (including Nantucket, Martha's Vineyard, and Rhode Island) could have easily ignored the pilgrims, but they pitied them so much that they taught them how to grow and gather native food.
Eg: The Patuxet Wampanoag politely ate dinner with the pilgrims without realizing what a tradition they have started.

Massasoit (n.) - I'd love to show respect to the leader of the Wampanoag tribe, but I can't. Afterall, he was the one who held the alliegence between the Pilgrims and the Wampanoag. He is a part of the reason our turkey population is decreasing.
Eg: The Massosit was an honorable man to all before he betrayed the turkeys to help the Pilgrims.

Giblet (n.) - Has it become so common for a turkey to die on Thanksgiving that I've become used to talking about parts of my body? Well, since I'm already on the subject, I know where my giblets, or heart, liver, or gizzard, are going to end up! In the gravy, of course.
Eg: The giblets of the turkey accidentally fell into her soup, yet she slurped all of it up and exclaimed how delicious her soup had tasted.

Gobble, Gobble, Professor Turkey here! The holiday I’ve been dreading is back again and what do I have to be thankful for? Nothing. Call me pessimistic, but seriously, you have many things to be thankful for compared to me. You might complain that life sucks with those AP classes you’re taking, but be thankful you have an education. You get to see your live relatives fly in for the holiday while I get to be reunited with my dead relatives. This dead turkey knows how to liven up your holiday chatter.

1. Pilgrims - These cocky-headed New Englanders who think they’re so cool. Oh, I’m sorry, should I be more appreciative? Fine. Thank you, Pilgrims, for invading our peaceful shores. Thanks to you, turkeys are only for stuffing and roasting.
“As the greedy pilgrim that I am, it took all of my strength, which wasn’t much, to refrain from devouring the entire turkey in the middle of the dinner table.”

2. Snood - For being such helpful creatures, God rewarded us with these flaps of skin that cover our beaks. They keep our beaks warm for the winter, and the color makes them excellent Christmas light decorations.
“On Christmas, I thought I saw Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, but it was actually a turkey on the roof with its snood lit up.”

3. Gobblers - We’re these magnificent male turkeys and oh, what a vision we are! Our wide range of colored feathers are the envy of other birds.
“The gobbler’s amber feathers had the hens swooning and chasing after him like moths to a flame.”

4. Wattle - What really annoys me is how gobblers become conceited over their wattles. Long wattles, found on jerks, resemble a human’s double-chin whereas a short wattle, like mine, will be admired by special hens that aren’t shallow. At least, that’s what my mommy said after Well-Wattled Wallie courted the hen.
“It was hysterical to see the gobbler’s wattle become entangled in the hen’s feathers as they leaned in to nuzzle each other.”

5. Plymouth Rock - While you guys might flock to this historical site just to snap a quick photo, we, turkeys, are repulsed by this slab of rock. It used to be a part of the natural habitat where we roamed freely until those pilgrims tainted it when they arrived in 1620.
“While Plymouth Rock might rock your world, it’s killing our world!”

6. Puritans - If you think pilgrims are a pain in my butt, then you obviously haven’t heard about these ignorant Church-lovers. They came to New England seeking a stricter relgious structure, yet in modern Thanksgivings, most families come together to feast no matter what their religion is.
“The Puritans came to the New World planning to spread their religious views to the Native Americans, but their 3-day Thanksgiving feast side-tracked them thankfully.”

7. Cornucopia - This horn is the unfortunate underdog. This goat horn is filled with an endless supply of food and drinks.
“Invest in a cornucopia, and it will save you lots of money since its way cheaper than a turkey.”

8. Wampanoag - This friendly Native American tribe that inhabited the original Eastern lands of the New World could have easily ignored the pilgrims, but they pitied them so much that they taught them how to grow and gather native food.
“The Patuxet Wampanoag politely ate dinner with the pilgrims without realizing what a tradition they have started.”

9. Massasoit - I’d love to show respect to the leader of the Wampanoag tribe, but I can’t. He is a part of the reason our turkey population is decreasing.
“The Massosit was an honorable man to all before he betrayed the turkeys to help the Pilgrims.”

10. Giblet - Has it become so common for a turkey to die on Thanksgiving that I’ve become used to talking about parts of my body? Well, since I’m already on the subject, I know where my giblets, heart, or gizzard, are going to end up! In the gravy, of course!
“The giblets of the turkey accidentally fell into her soup, yet she slurped all of it up and exclaimed how delicious her soup had tasted.”

schung@apachepowwow.com
Picture courtesy of HOMESTEAD.COM